Every mediator has heard parties say they refuse to negotiate and how the other party is “totally unreasonable.” That same impasse occurs in family and business disputes, as well as political debates.

I was privileged to have as one of my undergraduate professors Sally Gearhart and have stayed in contact with her over many decades. In the 1970s at San Francisco State University, she developed one of the first women and gender studies programs in the country and worked with Harvey Milk to defeat California’s Proposition 6, which would have banned homosexuals from teaching in public schools. Her reputation is as a leader of the 1970s and 1980s lesbian feminist movement while advocating for animal rights and environmental issues as well.

It would have been easy for her to have been confrontational and say “I won’t budge” and “they’re totally unreasonable.” She wrote about not judging and badgering others, but instead chose to seek the “joining point,” a place where competitors can meet as human beings. She showed that it is possible to speak out, confront, to be involved in struggles without “creating and maintaining enemies.” Logging truckers and environmentalists share the struggle to find work and feed their families. We all share some joining point with even those we have the greatest disagreement but conflicts can be diffused when parties recognize what they have in common.

A film of Sally’s life is in production and will show more of her activism without division.

For information visit: https://www.sallygearhartfilm.com.

Many conflicts end with the statement, “no further negotiation is possible.” This happens with political and interpersonal conflicts when parties want to disengage.

But how do mediators deal with individuals who refuse to negotiate since they cannot force them to do so? Fortunately, there are things they can do in either situation to help bring conflicting parties to the table even when accepting there are issues some simply aren’t willing to compromise on.

For example, with couples it can be the issue of child custody. In politics, it can relate to spending or border policy. When dealing with those committed to not compromising on such topics, then the next step is to ask, “What issues are you willing to negotiate?”

When parties refuse to negotiate they are in effect devaluing the relationship. Encouraging parties to continue discussions on any other issue potentially rebuilds some respect for one another.

In my own experience, while working with two businesses that refused to continue negotiations over the use of outdoor dining, I asked what were they willing to discuss. One owner mentioned parking issues and they spent a productive hour coming up with ways to address mutual concerns and after were willing to return to the outdoor dining disagreement once they recognized they could work together.