Conflict and violence don’t always go together.

Most interpersonal disagreemts don’t resort to violence, however, we do have some indications as to which types often do.

It has long been known our most intense conflicts are with those who are the most important to us, so it should be no surprise conflicts in couple and family relationships can resort to violent confrontation. Law enforcement records clearly show the person most likely to do harm to you is someone you already know.

But what about violence in conflicts with people with whom we do not have an intimate relationship or with whom we have no relationship at all. In my experience the factor that explains the violence is identity, especially when challenged. Someone whose self identity is largely limited to one trait can over react when that identity is in question. For example, someone who considers themselves as the best rose gardener can over react if her roses are destroyed by a random vandal.

In politics there can be a decided difference between an individual who identifies solely as a Democrat from someone who simply tends to vote Democratic. When the identity of the first is challenged and they don’t have other important attributes, such as husband, church member, or community involvement, that threat to identity can be so overwhelming, violence is more likely when challenged during conflict.

I’m often asked what to tell someone going into mediation for the first time.

Many people have no real understanding, nor experience with mediation. For example, a former student surveyed people in grocery store lines by asking them if they were familiar with mediation. More than one responded with something like “it’s when you close your eyes and try to clear your mind.” Needless to say, mediation is not meditation.

I try to provide five simple and direct directions:

First: Mediation is not about proving you’re right and the other party is wrong. It is important to bring any supporting documents, especially since the mediator may ask you to share documents with each other. But mediation is not a court. There is not someone there who will listen to arguments and render a decision.

Second: While mediation is not about the past, it is about the future. People usually come to mediation with their mind made up with the one and only solution they will accept. Instead, come to mediation with some ideas for other possible solutions.

Third: Listen carefully to what the mediator says about the process, particularly about confidentiality.

Fourth: Listen carefully to the other party and don’t focus on their demands and arguments. Try to listen for what might be motivating their position.

Fifth: Remember, mediation must be voluntary. No one can force you to accept an agreement. If you feel a solution is unacceptable, you have the right to tell the mediator to address the situation or stop the process.