Mediators will tell you during many sessions one party will say, “I’ll drop this case if I can just hear an apology.”

Apologies are difficult for many simply because we’ve been taught it’s an admission of guilt. But there are several ways to say “I’m sorry.” For example, when a person is willing to say something like, “I’m sorry this dispute ever happened” or “I’m sorry what this argument has done to our relationship,” the doors to working toward an agreement are often opened.

Researchers identified the components of an effective apology and here are some to consider:

1.) A statement to frame the apology, for example, “I apologize”

2.) An expression of regret or sadness

3.) An identification of what happened

4.) Acknowledgement of responsibility for what happened

5.) An explanation of why the event occurred

6.) A promise that it will not reoccur

7.) An offer of repair

8.) A request for forgiveness or reconciliation

In one mediation when a party refused to apologize, I asked them in a private meeting how much they were willing to lose by not choosing to do so. It became evident that not being willing to say “I’m sorry” was very, very expensive. The party was then willing to consider what they could meaningfully apologize for without being perceived as the guilty party. Settlement was reached after a simple “I’m really sorry we couldn’t have worked this out earlier with less expense to both of us.”

That was enough to get the parties talking.

I last posted on the advantages of mediating a prenup agreement and some recent events demonstrate the disadvantages of not having one.

According to TMZ, celebrity couple Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez married in 2022 and when Lopez filed for divorce this past August, it became known the couple had no prenup. Under California law their earnings from individual projects and endorsements the past two years are community property, which include a $68 million mansion in Beverly Hills.

It’s reported the couple are “not speaking” and are working with celebrity divorce attorney Laura Wasser. While mediation is private, their filing by contrast will require each provide financial disclosures, which will be public.

This illustrates the advantages of mediation. With a prenup this conflict could have been avoided and the agreement details would have been private.

While most individuals would prefer to not have their separation make tabloid news, most couples recognize the benefits of privacy and avoidance of the potential trauma that accompanies intense conflict.