WHAT MEDIATION TOOL CAN I USE EVERYDAY?

I’m often asked what “tools” mediators use to guide people in disputes to a resolution, as well as, which one works the best. I’m not sure any one of the “tools” mediators use is always helpful, so out of curiousity I ask why they want to know. The answer is always, “I’m looking for something I can use myself.”

With this in mind, I try give them something they can use in just about any situation: Never assume that what a person is demanding is the only solution that will relieve the problem that led to their situation; never dismiss the importance of their problem, and never argue with people about their needs until you understand the details of what led them to this point.

This simple advice applies to neighborhood, family, political and even international disputes. 

The mistake that most of us make is to respond to others’ demands without understanding the reasons for them. A simple typical family dispute will illustrate the point. It is not unusual for surviving heirs to argue bitterly over who will get family heirlooms. Usually, the intensity of the conflict goes way beyond the actual value of the items. Sisters can hold grudges for decades over who got their mother’s punchbowl. Rather than confronting each other and creating argumentative reasons, try to understand the reasons for each sister’s demand. It could be something like one sister wanting the punchbowl because it was used at her wedding. It’s not the dollar value of the item that motivates her demand, but the desire to have her memories reinforced by having that keepsake.

A terminated salesperson may have violated a covenant to not compete by continuing to solicit business from one company in her former territory. That could be an unpleasant mediation or litigation. Ask first why does she want to continue her relationship with that one client. That could lead to creative problem solving rather than unpleasant confrontation.

When one tribal nation raises opposition to a pipeline project, rather than budget for litigation and legislative advocates, ask why the nation opposes the pipeline. The concern may be water quality and that problem can be addressed when the parties are willing to work together.

So, to answer the question, I say again, don’t confront people over their demand without understanding their motivation for their position. That understanding can lead to cooperation and creativity.